j david osborne

jdosborne — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 23:22:15 +0000

My lunch is peanut butter and beer. Peanut butter is an excellent source of energy, and the lime in the beer is delicious. My diet is kind of shit. The morning is an acai pill downed with creatine tap water. Work is a cup of break room coffee. Then the gas station, and a Vitamin Water, a Muscle Milk, and a protein bar. Usually a sugar-free Red Bull halfway through the day. Dinner, pick a fast food place. That’s what’s fucking me up.

The heat got to me today, that and another customer screaming to get his way. Hey America, if you didn’t know this already, let me let you in on a secret: you can get damn near anything you want if you scream loud enough and spend enough money.

Delivering to the ghetto, there was a cop car and everyone was standing on their lawns, wife beaters and do rags and kids playing on scooters. Three children, babies really, had wandered across town, finally getting caught on a midget’s doorstep. We assembled a bunk bed in a dark house with beaded curtains.

Two old gay cowboys ordered a bed. Hanging on their wall, they had a painting of a cowboy taking a shower in an outdoor stall, bare white ass and cowboy hat and nothing else.

All of these interesting blips on an otherwise standard day of middle-aged housewives.

die antwoord

jdosborne — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 00:45:51 +0000

Die Antwoord are South Africans. They rap in English and Afrikaans. Their website gives a Kid Rock meets Borat vibe. They frolick on the beaches around Cape Town. Mullets and bleached eyebrows and mom jeans and Dark Side of the Moon boxer shorts, tattoos of giant penises and knives and “how can a angel break my heart”. Gold chains and neighbors missing teeth.

So the gimmick pulls you in. The track everybody’s posting, with the hook that on a first listen is just ridiculous and grating but somehow it gets under your skin. Then you listen to the album, streaming on their website. Specifically you listen to “I Don’t Need You” or “Jou Ma Se Pous in a Fishpaste Jar”. And you realize, this shit is real. These beats go hard. When you watch their interviews and MC Ninja talks about his flow being sick, you get a real Ali G vibe from it. But he’s not playing: both MCs deliver these strange outer space flows that just kill.

Real MIA vibe to most of it. Goddammit I’m hooked.

corporate dick and used illuminatus

jdosborne — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:22:31 +0000

Bookstore on 12th has a bunch of posters outlining the awesomeness of FairTax. Neal Boortz is scum, I’ve listened to his program a bunch, and this tax won’t work, because it hurts corporations too much. And of course, with their spending caps increased, they have now pushed their corporate dick past its regulated two inches and are now pube deep in our assholes. Picked up the first two volumes of the Historical Illuminatus Chronicles. Assassinations in 18th century Naples + the history of Freemasonry + Dr. Frankenstein + Cassanova + copius descriptions of main character’s semen = a rockin read. Something to balance the Kant and Thoreau and Swift. BTW, in Gulliver’s Travels, when Gulliver gets to Lilliput, the little people take inventory of all the shit in his pockets. It’s supposed to be funny cause they don’t know what a watch is, think it’s his god. Then they make this rule that he can’t come to their town without two hours notice. WTF is an hour, little people?

theme for my new novel

jdosborne — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 01:23:39 +0000

Theme courtesy of Andrew Osborne.

shoes

jdosborne — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 18:44:17 +0000

Woman walks into the store. She has a return to make, but is distraught. She just saw a man out in the mall, pause for eye-watering, lip quivering, who didn’t hardly have any shoes. They was all torn up. She could buy that man some shoes, she says. Once she gave a man digging through a trash can $40 and he just took it and left. Makes you wonder. But she could get that man some shoes. It made her sick that she was shopping and being so materialistic when that man had no shoes. I return her shirt. It was at a 30% discount when she bought it. Her face turns red. It was not at a 30% discount, show me where it says discount on this receipt, I point at at it, WELL THIS IS RIDICULOUS she says, and walks out.

She was this close to an epiphany, but it was bullshit. Self pity in disguise.

cool cat

jdosborne — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 22:55:24 +0000

waterboarding in the dmv

jdosborne — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 01:53:18 +0000

Other day I was at the DMV to renew my license. Norman DMV is really bad. Only two employees. Only nine driving tests a day. Watched several folks get royally pissed, they’d waiting since six in the AM, etc. Amongst them one scary man with face tattoos. Sitting in the waiting room, angry mom sitting next to me in a pea coat with watery blue grey eyes. I know it’s only a matter of time till someone says it, and she does: “This is how the government runs things? And they want to turn health care over to the government?” Of course, statement is full of holes, oversimplification. Or maybe not. Gentlemen in camouflage hat, camouflage jacket, camouflage pants, says, “Obama wants to take away my guns and give em to Osama!” And then the woman says “I don’t care that they waterboarded those people!” Just like that, one two three. Like these people’s hateful subconscious were non-sequituring all over the floor. The camo guy went on to tell me about his boy who’s a brigadier general. He looks a little young for a son, but he might have been talking about a brother or a friend. I talk to him like he’s lying, I can’t help it. He asks me if Sidewinders is still in Lawton. I tell him as far as I know. I’m still disturbed about the woman saying torture was okay. She doesn’t lose sleep for one second, she said. Eh. I guess I don’t either, but it’s wrong.

i need a red bull

jdosborne — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 19:23:15 +0000

It’s weird, in 2666, how Santa Teresa is based on Cuidad Juarez and yet there are characters from Juarez. Reading the Adderall Diaries now. It’s good! Going to go to work, come home, shadowbox, eat then write.

icy

jdosborne — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 03:39:07 +0000

The weather is nasty out there. Like the little towers that mist you when you’re in line for Disney World, from hell. Icy hell. Not going to be kept on at work past Jan. 31. Job hunt commence. Breaking from 2666. Enjoying Adderall Diaries.

giant octopus

jdosborne — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 16:25:05 +0000

I need to get over my fear of squids and octopi. This video was supposed to be therapy, until the beast started to drag her into the icy depths. “He’s being friendly!”